If you’re new to the business world, you may soon find yourself in a marketing meeting and become very quickly disoriented. This is because marketing people speak a language that is disconcerting to the human ear and mystifying to the human mind.
To help you through this bewildering experience, here at The Ad Contrarian Global Headquarters we have created a glossary of terms that can help you understand what marketing people actually mean when they talk:
- Engage – bother
- Brand architect – account executive
- Authentic – true sounding
- Transparent – natural looking
- Content – anything on the web
- Branded content – anything on the web with a logo
- Compelling content – content
- Conversation – retweet
- Follower – stranger who wants something for nothing
- Advisor – LinkedIn term for unemployed
- Community – strangers who once clicked
- Meaningfulness – (no one knows)
- Branding – anything with a logo on it
- Activation – when marketing people actually do something
- Workshop – meeting
- Roundtable – meeting
- Summit – meeting
- Town hall meeting – meeting
- Training session – powerpoint-induced napping opportunity
- Webinar – digitally delivered powerpoint-induced napping opportunity
- Traditional – stuff we don’t do well
- Brand advocate – customer
- Brand ambassador – customer
- Storyteller – copywriter
- Passionate – opportunistic
- Evangelist – inflexible bore
- Data-driven – unimaginative
- Brand purpose – something our CEO’s spouse is into
- Disruptive – something our CEO’s daughter is into
- Target audience – people like us
“People may say I couldn’t sing, but no one can ever say I didn’t sing.”
– Florence Foster Jenkins
“Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.”
– Ellen Goodman
One Point Perspective’s Presentation Pet Peeves
- Power Point Border Patrol – In this scenario, the presenter has no idea how to give us the Power Point without the working border being visible to the audience. People with good vision can actually read ahead in the slides on the left margin, assuming they are literate and awake.
- An Old Fashioned Read-Along – This one really drives me insane. The presenter puts together a presentation, and then reads it from the screen – verbatim – to the captive audience. I have yet to sit in an audience where there were known illiterates, but if there were, these knuckleheads are onlyenabling them.
- The Tongue Twister/Ear Acher – This involves rubbing salt in the wounds of the pre-annoyed victims of The Old Fashioned Read Along, wherein the presenter reads the presentation and butchers words with which they obviously have no familiarity. This faux pas tends to take away credibility from the presenter (For the record, it’s pronounced “fox pass”). Mispronouncing words in your own presentation is the epitome of bad form one is epp-ee-tohm)
- Such A Freaking Joke – There is some sort of public speaking wives’ tale which says that breaking the ice with a joke will put everyone at ease. The audience is generally already pretty relaxed, sitting in chairs and waiting for the dog and pony show. Obviously, the joke is only to put the presenter at ease, but it seldom works. Telling jokes takes a little bit of talent and timing which many presenters simply do not possess. In addition, there is the matter of the joke being worth telling in the first place. Tapping the microphone and asking “Is this thing on?” will often result in ear splitting audio feedback.
- If You Have To Ask… – Many presenters like to offer the audience the chance to ask questions, and this should be applauded. One can only hope the presenter knows enough about the subject to actually be able to answer. The pet peeve in this case is when the presenter forgets that he or she is the only one with a microphone and very few people in their audience can actually hear the question. This renders the answer essentially meaningless. This is easily remedied by having the person with the microphone repeat the question before answering it. In the 16 presentations I attended this September, not one presenter employed this simple strategy.
- There IS Such A Thing As A Stupid Question – Every so often, the audience member asking the question will be sitting close enough for others to actually hear it. Unfortunately, some people have such enormous egos that they believe that there could possibly be one or more audience members who actually share the exact same problem as them. As an example, an assembled crowd of four hundred employees are listening to a presentation about their new healthcare plan. A person raises his hand and asks whether his preferred brand of toe nail fungus treatment will be covered under the prescription coverage. Those in the audience who could actually hear the question can only stare in nauseated disbelief.
- Smart Phone/Dumb Owner – This issue is far from being restricted to presentations, but it needs to be included. Assemblies of employees are frequently interrupted by cell phones, usually those of audience members, sometimes the actual presenter. When buying a new cell phone, customers should not leave the store without first finding out how to silence the device. If you refuse to learn how to silence your smart phone, it should be mandatory that your ring tone be changed to “Hey! It’s for me, [insert name here]! I’m too ignorant to silence my phone.” This would be particularly embarrassing to anyone unfortunate enough to be named Insert Name Here.
- It’s A Microphone, Not A Magic Scepter – This is pretty simple. Microphones work to amplify the voice of the speaker. The mike doesn’t work if the speaker’s gestures include pulling the device away from their faces. I’m sure someone in the tech department will read this and buy a few really expensive head-piece microphones to keep the big wheels from embarrassing themselves. You sir, are no Phil Donahue.
- A Little Bit of This ‘An ‘At – We’ve all got our little speech idiosyncrasies. For example, it’s accepted that teenagers of a certain era put the word “like” in between every couple of words. Teenagers get a free pass, because correcting them will result in eye rolling and possible sulking. If as an adult, you feel the need to refer to additional thoughts as “this an at” or to use the non-word “irregardless” throughout a presentation, you will incur my wrath. I will keep score and draw non-flattering doodles of you in the margins of my hand-out.
“Too much resolution stops giving you information and becomes merely noise, which actually gets in the way of the accuracy you seek.”
– Seth Godin